As most of you know the Yankees are in pursuit of another pitcher to fill out their rotation for the upcoming season. There are a plethora of options available to the Yankees, and I would like them to make the smartest decision possible. So the first word of advice that I would give to Cashman is to stay away from any white pitchers. Over the past few years we have seen pitchers of the caucasian persuasion sign enormous contracts and end up failing. I feel that these few examples and limited sample sizes that I am going to show you are good enough to damn the entire race, and proof why the Yankees should just go ahead and write the likes of CJ Wilson, Roy Oswalt, and Mark Buehrle off their list, and why it was smart not to pursue Zack Grienke through trade last winter.
Barry Zito: In the 2006-2007 offseason Cy Young award winner Barry Zito signed a 7 year 126 million dollar contract. He was to leave the Oakland Athletics and join their bay area rivals the San Francisco Giants. Some felt that this was not a very good move because his underlying peripherals (low K-BB ratio, high FIP and xFIP) suggested that he was not as good a pitcher as his win totals and ERA would make you think. I think the main problem with Brian Sabean's decision was that he did not take Barry Zito's whiteness into account. The last five years Zito has gone from bad to unplayable, all whilst taking up ~15% of the San Francisco payroll.
Jake Peavy: Another previous Cy Young winner, he was signed to a long term deal and traded to the White Sox in 2009. He has been reasonably effective when he has pitched, but his cracka ass has not been able to stay healthy. He has been paid around 15-17 million these last few seasons only to have his ligaments literally separate from his shoulder. He is a warning to future teams that white pitchers have a really tough time staying healthy, and should only be signed knowing that you are taking a huge risk.
Jaret Wright: Jaret Wright was signed by the Yankees during the 2004-2005 offseason after having a career year in Atlanta the year prior. (Speaking of Prior, he sucks and is white too). He ended pitching like garbage the next two years in the Bronx, posting ERA's of 6.08 and 4.49 and failing to deliver in the postseason. Jaret Wright is proof that not only do caucasian pitchers like to trick unsuspecting teams with their fancy contract years, but that they also cannot "handle New York."
Carl Pavano: Pavano was the other pitcher signed during the 2004-2005 offseason after he had pitched consecutive 200+ inning seasons with the Florida Marlins. His four year deal ended up being one of the worst in Yankees history as he would only end up starting in 26 games during that span. Like Peavy and Wright, Pavano is proof that honkies are too injury prone and mentally fragile to warrant consideration through trade or free agency.
Derek Lowe: The Atlanta Braves signed Derek Lowe away from the Dodgers after the 2008 season. He was to help stabilize their rotation and eat innings to help preserve their bullpen. He would only end up doing one of those things, as while he would throw a lot of innings, they were anything but quality ones. He has been paid 15 million the last three years to consistently put up ERA's well over four and was one of the main reasons why Atlanta had one of the biggest collpases of all time this last season. Atlanta was lucky enough to trade him and a small fraction of his contract to Cleveland, where his whiteness will do to the Indians what white people in the sixteenth century did to actual Native Americans.
AJ Burnett: During the last three years AJ Burnett has gone on to be the worst Yankees starting pitcher in franchise history in terms of ERA+. And wouldn't you know it, he's white as fuck. AJ Burnett is the posterchild of how white pitchers just cannot control their emotions on the mound. There have been numerous internet psychologists that have diagnosed him as a "mental midget," and this psychological condition can clearly be attributed to the white that flows through his veins.
John Lackey: After having a solid first season with his new club Lackey battled injury and ineffectiveness for all of 2011. His struggles could have been because of his injured elbow that he is currently getting Tommy John surgery on, or because of the personal problems he went through that lead to him divorcing his cancer stricken wife. His struggles were on full display during September, when the Boston Red Sox would complete the largest collapse in regular season baseball history. John Lackey is the quintessential white pitcher: mean, clubhouse cancer, mentally fragile, injury prone, ineffective, and expensive.
These seven pitchers have emphatically proven my thesis, in that white pitches just do not belong anywhere near the Yankees roster. Some of you might say: "But what about Mussina and Pettitte!?" Unfortunately those two do not accurately represent the white pitching community, because Mussina is Italian and PEDtitte was on roids the entire time. The only benefit that a casucasian pitcher brings to a team is that he raises the median credit score of the ballclub, but in my opinion that is a waste of a twenty five man roster spot and a less than desirable allocation of resouces. So please Cashman, stay away from white pitchers, because time and time again that race has proven to be a complete and total bust.