Once again, as I have every year since 2010, Designated Quitter presents the Top Seven Sports Stories of 2010. These 'top' stories have been culled from a huge stack of 'worthless' stories. What makes these the top stories is that they illustrate the great theme of this year- supporting your teammates. Every story selected this year embodies this noble theme. Naturally, due to the nature of the theme, individual sports like swimming, track and field, and chess could not be considered. The tragedy is lessened by the fact that no one cares about them.
If any notable moments have been missed, the staff here apologizes in advance. Our holiday party desserts of crystal meth and pumpkin pie have impeded our crack research efforts. We hope that 2011 will produce enough decent moments for a follow- up post next year, unless we forget.
Here are the top stories, in alphabetical order of importance:
Tiger Woods enters sex rehab, swears off hookers, porn stars, and trailer park waitresses.
In a show of support, every other golfer on the Tour vows to do the same, during the Greater Milwaukee Viagra Open. Vow lasts two days (2 hours for John Daly). Not coincidentally, Tournament is won with a 22 over par score.
The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out. The Public finds out and is enraged. The readership makes two discoveries, and in a show of support for the embattled and otherwise irrelevant sportsrag, announces that self gratification is a sport, and they take a copy of the magazine, and excuse themselves to go train.
Brett Favre e-mails a photo of his junk to Jenn Sturgis. The Public finds out and is enraged. In a show of support for their embattled teammate, all 52 other Vikings email a photo of their package to Jenn Sturgis, except backup quarterback Tarvaris Jackson, who doesn’t own a smartphone. He texts her the message ‘my junk.’
Bob Shepard dies. As a tribute, Derek Jeter plays a recorded Shepard announcement every time he steps up to the plate in Yankee Stadium. Other players show their support by wishing they had thought of that.
George Steinbrenner dies. As a tribute, the entire Yankee roster trades itself to Seattle for Jay Buhner.
AJ Burnett struggles with effectiveness and control, leading the league in wild pitched and HBP. To morally support his heavily criticized teammate, Javier Vazquez has himself exiled to the bullpen for similar ineffectiveness, and hits three straight batters in a relief stint. Unfortunately, instead of diverting attention away from Burnett, fans simply decide that they both suck.
Manny Ramirez announces that he can no longer play day games for the Dodgers, because he lost his favorite pair of sunglasses. Also, no more Friday games because that’s when he has his car detailed. ManRam is spotted trolling the Houston outfield with a metal detector, looking for the lost shades, which unfortunately are made of plastic. As a sign of respect for their teammate, the Dodgers immediately begin to lose games until they are eliminated from the playoffs.
LeBron James alienates the entire populace of Cleveland by going on television to announce that he’s dumping their city. Enraged fans across the country support Clevelanders after they realize that they wasted 59 minutes and 59 seconds watching a television show for the one second it took to say "Miami Heat.’ Fans boycott the Heat and ESPN, except in Boston where fans mistakenly boycott SYFY, thinking that was the ‘4 Letter Network’ in question.